“A woman like her with a woman like me?” This is how I verbalize my journey with self-reflection. It was a rainy day, she sat on the other side of the table with her blue trousers. The trousers I said once that I like very much. I sometimes wonder what was her first impression about me. I even wonder why I never asked her this question before our story came to its end. I think that I was cheesy, even though I tried so hard not to be. On that rainy day, I heard her talking about one event. I saw it as a chance, I said “Oh what kind of event is it? I would love to attend, but I have to leave home, it is a pity I am not living in Ljubljana”. I had my fantasy that she may offer me to stay at her place. I was very surprised when my fantasy came true, yes, she just looked at me with a very sweet smile “If you have no place to stay, you can stay at my place”. I felt so excited until my self-confident got shaken, with my typical inner dialogue “a woman like her with a woman like me?” does she even knows about me? She is out there fearing nothing, I am living in secrets, I have double lives since I ever remember”.
First night, I came to her lovely apartment, it was as magical and as cozy as I fantasized it. She had an arrogant and cute cat. I felt that the cat knows what is going on in my mind and he did not quite approve it. It was a moment of butterflies and excitement. She showed me her bed and told me that I can sleep there or on the couch. She told me that she does not mind to share her bed with me if I would feel more comfortable to sleep in a bed rather than on couch. I just smiled and said “Yes, I would love to share the bed with you, if you do not mind”. We kept talking from around 10 pm till morning. We watched movies we talked and chatted until we fall asleep. I would usually be open and kiss the woman I like as fast as I feel it, I have to say it was my self-confident that hindered me from doing so. I was feeling that I am not good enough as I am not out there like her. I just thought I am not good enough to be with such a woman. However, I kept finding excuses to sleepover at her place. I enjoyed the feelings looking to her lovely angelic smile, warm face, and soft skin. At one night as I was so close to her, and getting closer to enjoy her soft breath as she talks, she asked me if she may kiss me, my heartbeats became faster. She smiled as she gets me. I immediately got so close to her and I kissed her very passionately. It was a great feeling. It became a memory that I will keep to remember whenever I need a smile. Yes, a memory because a woman like her can be with a woman like me only in memories. Because the truth of the sun and the lies of the moon can align once or twice every few years in a form of sweet-sour memories.